break your glass slippers Read online

  books by amanda lovelace

  the

  series:

  the princess saves herself in this one (#1)

  the witch doesn’t burn in this one (#2)

  the mermaid’s voice returns in this one (#3)

  slay those dragons: a journal for writing your own story

  ***

  the

  things that h(a)unt

  duology:

  to make monsters out of girls (#1)

  to drink coffee with a ghost (#2)

  ***

  the

  you are your own fairy tale

  series:

  break your glass slippers (#1)

  for those who

  break glass slippers

  as well as glass ceilings.

  trigger warning

  this book contains

  sensitive material relating to:

  child abuse,

  toxic friendships,

  toxic romantic relationships,

  sexual harassment,

  eating disorders,

  fatphobia,

  suicide,

  trauma,

  & possibly more.

  remember to practice self-care

  before, during, & after

  reading.

  contents

  i

  ii

  iii

  foreword

  When I was a child, I learned fairy tales are dangerous. If you believe in them too much as they are, you may find yourself under a darker spell of your own devising—wishing for princes and hoping someone saves you from the troubles in your life. It was only a few years ago, when I stumbled onto amanda lovelace’s luminous work on a cold, foggy English evening in a bookstore, that I realized how empowering fairy tales can be.

  In break your glass slippers, amanda brings to life a story that many of us have loved as children and questioned as we got older. Her words exquisitely bind the contemporary with the traditional, creating a lyrical tale of hope, inner power, and fearlessness.

  The Cinderella in this book is a survivor in every way. She rises from the depths of an abyss created by despair and becomes a force to be reckoned with—all while showing us how there is strength in vulnerability and true courage in accepting who you are.

  The message in this captivating book of poetry is clear: take this modern fairy tale, treasure it, and share it with someone you love. Let it teach you that the magic you are looking for already rests inside you, waiting for a spark. Let it remind you of your spirit through mystical words that awaken the flames inside you.

  Here, we all get to be Cinderella, our own Fairy Godmother, and best of all, our own Prince.

  May the magic help you build your own happily ever after.

  May your soul feel full and bright when it does.

  Nikita xxx

  a note from the author

  at the heart of this poetry collection is a retelling of one of the world’s most recognizable & beloved fairy tales, cinderella. in that way, i suppose you might consider this to be a work of fiction. however, this story is also very much based on a number of my own lived experiences, as well as experiences i know to be true for many.

  she is cinderella.

  i am cinderella.

  you may even be cinderella, too, if you find that any part of this story happens to speak to you.

  laced with love,

  amanda

  let me tell you a sad story

  there is a girl who

  sings only when

  every window

  is shut.

  like most girls,

  she’s been learning

  the trait of silence

  since birth.

  everyone

  underestimates

  how important

  her voice is,

  & the greatest

  tragedy of all is

  that she does,

  too.

  let me tell you an even sadder story

  there is a girl who

  dances only when

  every curtain

  is closed.

  like most girls,

  she’s been learning

  the trait of invisibility

  since birth.

  no one

  ever bothers

  to see how

  special she is,

  so she

  decides to dance

  with her own

  shadow.

  i

  once there lived a man who gifted his daughter a pair of glass slippers. she clutched them to her chest, tears welling up in her eyes. it was then that he spoke, “these were made with my two hands, some sweat, & a sprinkle of fairy dust. they’ll always fit you, even if you grow taller than a beanstalk. they’ll never slip, even if you’re forced to walk over ice all night long. best of all, they’ll never, ever break, except in the case of an emergency.

  whenever she walks past, the boys whisper to each other, “be on the lookout for ugly ducklings like her. treat her badly now & you risk her forgetting all about you once she transforms into a beautiful swan.” none of them ever considered the fact that she could hear what they were saying.

  —she heard everything.

  fairy godmother says

  it has

  never been

  within

  your duty

  to be

  pretty.

  “no one could ever want a fat girl like you.”

  —stepmother.

  fairy godmother says

  you don’t need to look a certain way

  to deserve someone’s heart.

  no matter your shape—

  no matter your size—

  be proud of all the space

  your body dares to take up.

  there are sisters

  who see each other

  as lifelong

  rivals

  when they should be

  seeing each other

  as lifelong

  allies,

  which is to say:

  some sisters

  are no sisters

  at all.

  —she had to learn this the hard way.

  fairy godmother says

  some people are simply committed to being unkind, & it is not your job to convince them to change. all you can do is give them all the kindness you have, & if they don’t return it, then they aren’t worth your sugar.

  isn’t the love

  of a family

  supposed

  to be

  unconditional?

  unbreakable?

  if they don’t

  love me,

  then who

  ever could?

  she thinks

  to herself.

  —the first heartbreak.

  fairy godmother says

  i don’t know if anyone

  has ever told you this, but:

  their lack of love for you

  does not make you

  any less loveable.

  inside the cramped fitting room, she slips into dress after dress as if she’s trying to slip into someone else’s life.

  —much to her dismay, her reflection stays the same.

  fairy godmother says

  when you spend

  all y
our time

  imagining yourself

  in other people’s shoes,

  your own story

  goes unwritten,

  & there is nothing

  more painful

  than that.

  every night when she’s finally alone, she takes a red marker & circles the parts of herself she would most like to see disappear—her thighs, her stomach, her upper arms—until there’s no part of her left untouched.

  —“nothing will ever be enough,” she whispers.

  fairy godmother says

  some days,

  your body will feel like a cage.

  on those days,

  lace flowers through the bars.

  whenever somebody asks her how she’s been holding up, she can never bring herself to tell them how she’s truly feeling inside. it’s always fine or great or amazing, but how are you? the last thing she would ever want to do is inconvenience them—or worse, seem self-involved.

  —she just wants one person to catch her in the lie.

  fairy godmother says

  speak your truth—

  no matter what.

  afterward,

  take careful note

  of who not only

  listens

  but steps up to

  applaud your bravery.

  there are times when she sees another girl on the train or in a magazine & she can’t be sure what she wants to do:

  i.become her.

  ii.be her best friend.

  iii.kiss her.

  —kaleidoscope.

  fairy godmother says

  who you want to kiss

  is not a problem

  as long as you

  get permission first.

  “if you want to wear the crop top, then wear the crop top. if anyone dares to point out your stretch marks or the size of your belly, just remind them that our bodies were all crafted from the same handful of stardust, & isn’t that just wonderful? isn’t that so special?”

  —her best friend.

  fairy godmother says

  there is something

  almost unearthly

  about the friendship

  between two girls,

  isn’t there?

  all they ever want to do is

  protect, protect, protect.

  fiercely now.

  fiercely now.

  my advice for you:

  don’t take her for granted.

  ever.

  he has the best laugh,

  forever-untied shoes,

  & a heart bigger

  than a blue whale’s.

  she only wishes

  she could love him

  the way he loves her,

  but she can’t.

  when she tells him,

  he explains to her

  that she owes it to him

  to love him back.

  —the boy with all the wrong intentions.

  fairy godmother says

  villains almost never look like cackling witches, cruel stepmothers, or bratty stepsisters. they’re so much quieter than that, & i think that’s what makes them so menacing. in some chapters of your storybook, you’ll find them hiding everywhere—even in the faces of those you hold dearest. they never reveal their true intentions until you’ve already trusted them too much, & just like that, everyone you know has turned into a stranger.

  she’s always checking in on people, even though they never do the same in return. whether they simply don’t care enough or consider her to be better armored for this life than they are, she’s not entirely certain. sometimes her mind goes to the darkest of places—that place where she wonders if any of them would notice if she disappeared altogether one night.

  —forgotten.

  fairy godmother says

  without you here,

  the moon & the stars

  would fall.

  mountains would crack

  down the middle.

  castles would crumble

  into nothingness.

  books would burst

  into flames.

  it’s not time to go just yet.

  where does she go

  whenever she’s feeling

  deeply, deeply

  blue?

  up into the clouds,

  filling her head with

  fanciful ideas of what

  her future looks like:

  the clearest sky.

  a handsome man in a suit.

  a house with halls wide enough

  for their children to run down.

  —her biggest mistake is forgetting herself along the way.

  fairy godmother says

  you are limitless.

  you can have the lipstick.

  you can have the sword.

  there’s a story she’s been telling herself ever since she was a little girl. in order to create her, a witch had to pour a bunch of ingredients into her bubbling cauldron—things like glitter, courage, & a hunger for fairy tales with happy endings. nowadays, she finds herself wondering if the witch forgot the most important ingredient of them all: the thing that would have made her good enough.

  —potion.

  fairy godmother says

  it’s not an easy thing

  to accept yourself the way you are.

  some people spend their entire lives

  trying to master it.

  but if anyone is strong enough

  to face the challenge,

  it’s you.

  it was as if she was born into this world invisible & he was the first one to notice her— to truly see her. after a lifetime of dancing with her own shadow, she’d found someone who could keep in perfect time with her.

  finally, finally.

  —the unseen girl.

  fairy godmother says

  more forgetting time.

  more midnight dances with yourself.

  more, always more.

  she wants nothing more

  than to be the kind of girl

  worthy of standing

  next to him.

  —she doesn’t always want what’s best for her.

  fairy godmother says

  he is not the standard by which you should be measuring your worth in this world. before he came along, you were a fierce wonder to behold. you will continue to be that long after he walks away from you.

  her heart

  is a gilded thing.

  his hands

  were made to melt.

  together,

  they drip liquid gold.

  —she doesn’t care if it burns.

  fairy godmother says

  he may have a pretty face,

  but that doesn’t mean he isn’t dangerous.

  as though she’s been put under an enchantment, she constantly finds herself smiling at odd times of the day. for the first time, it’s not due to daydreams of a brave prince on a white horse or a fearsome princess with a sword.

  with him, it’s the real thing.

  —at least, that’s what she keeps telling herself.

  fairy godmother says

  infatuation is not love,

  just like a love potion

  is only temporary

  & often causes

  more harm than good.

  a unicorn,

  he calls her—

  a miracle,

  he calls her—

  for somehow

  managing

  to remain

  untouched

&nbs
p; by another

  boy.

  —she wonders why she can’t be magical either way.

  fairy godmother says

  you are not a thing

  that can ever be

  claimed, conquered,

  or irreparably ruined

  by someone else’s hands.

  he may like to think

  he wields that much power,

  but he doesn’t.

  “you’re too good for me.”

  —charming.

  fairy godmother says

  people have a habit of

  telling on themselves;

  most of the time,

  by accident.

  you’ll see it in

  one wrong word,

  or how they react when

  they think no one’s looking.

  don’t ever take it

  lightheartedly,

  for there is always some truth in these moments.

  be sure to armor your

  kind, kind heart.

  be trusting,

  but be vigilant.

  there’s this literary cliché where a character will, in the middle of a tense conversation, suddenly let out a breath they didn’t realize they’d been holding. how can they just forget to breathe? breathing is automatic, she always thought to herself. then she meets him & quickly finds out that it’s not that ridiculous of a notion. the truth is, even the way he holds the steering wheel makes her forget she has lungs.

  —sometimes the impossible is possible.

  fairy godmother says

  while you’re getting drunk on him,

  he’s only getting drunk

  on the way the attention

  makes him feel—

  there’s a difference.

  she’s so giddy

  at the very thought of him

  she tosses & turns