The Princess Saves Herself in This One Read online

  THE PRINCESS SAVES HERSELF IN THIS ONE

  Copyright © 2016 Amanda Lovelace

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  Second edition.

  ISBN-10: 1532913680

  ISBN-13: 978-1532913686

  the

  princess

  saves

  herself

  in

  this

  one

  for the boy who lived.

  thank you for inspiring me to be

  the girl who survived.

  you may have

  a lightning bolt

  to show for it

  but my body is a

  lightning storm.

  table of contents

  I. the princess . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9 - 37

  II. the damsel . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 38 - 87

  III. the queen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 88 - 128

  IV. you . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 129 – 153

  here lies

  the raw,

  unpolished,

  & mostly

  disjointed

  pieces of

  my soul.

  ah, life—

  the thing

  that happens

  to us

  while we’re off

  somewhere else

  blowing on

  dandelions

  & wishing

  ourselves into

  the pages of

  our favorite

  fairy tales.

  once upon a time…

  I. the princess

  the princess i was born

  a little bookmad.

  i could be found stroking

  the spines of my books

  while i sat locked alone

  inside my tower bedroom.

  all the while, i hoped my books

  would spill their exquisite words

  over the lush green carpet

  so i could collect them one by one

  & savor them like

  berries inside of my mouth.

  - forever a collector of words.

  when i had

  no friends

  i reached inside

  my beloved

  books

  & sculpted some

  out of

  12 pt

  times new roman.

  - & it was almost good enough.

  the queen

  my mother

  smiled

  as she offered

  a cube of

  sugar

  in her

  upturned palm.

  greedily,

  i accepted.

  i reached inside

  my mouth,

  delicately placing one

  (just one)

  on the center

  of my tongue,

  & i clamped

  down.

  salt.

  that is what abuse is:

  knowing you are

  going to get salt

  but still hoping for sugar

  for nineteen years.

  - you may be gone, but i still have a stomachache.

  one night,

  the princess

  i

  the princess

  i

  the princess

  i

  the princess woke

  to feel the bed rocking

  back & forth

  back & forth

  back & forth

  back & forth

  back & forth

  back & forth

  back & forth

  back & forth

  back & forth

  at first,

  she thought

  a hurricane

  must be brewing—

  - i can’t. i’m sorry.

  you should never love

  anything

  more than you love

  your own children.

  you should never love

  anyone

  more than you love

  your own children.

  - how could you?

  where

  do all the

  memories go,

  the ones we

  hide away

  with

  lock &

  key yet

  continue

  to shape

  us all the

  s a m e?

  - did it really happen if i can’t remember it?

  at eleven years old

  the doctor weighed me

  & afterwards,

  my mother told me

  i was too fat

  & that i needed to

  go on a diet

  immediately.

  for an entire year,

  food barely passed

  through my lips.

  i did not even allow myself

  to take a sip of water

  because i wanted to be

  so thin that i

  could blow away

  with the slightest breeze—

  disappear.

  i dropped sixty pounds

  in a few short months

  & i had to wear long sleeves

  to cover up the

  “cat scratches.”

  - everybody told me how good i looked, though.

  “friend request from _________”

  a) the girl who said you were ugly.

  b) the girl who said your voice was off-key.

  c) the girl who refused to defend you.

  d) the girl who laughed at you behind your back & to your face.

  e) the girl who took your lunch money every day because she said you didn’t need to eat.

  f) the girl who said you were “fat” even after you starved yourself half to death.

  g) the girl who was supposed to be your best friend.

  h) all of the above.

  - keep pressing ignore, lovely.

  fat

  /fat/

  adjective

  a descriptive word.

  it has no deeper meaning.

  it should not determine

  the worth

  (or lack thereof)

  of a human being.

  - what i know now that i wish i knew then.

  sticks & stones

  never broke

  my bones,

  but words

  made me

  starve myself

  until

  you could

  see all of them.

  - skin & bone.

  my sister & i

  spent our nights

  wishing upon

  the plastic

  glow-in-the-dark

  stars

  plastered to our

  ceiling.

  - we made it after all.

  there

  was never

  enough alcohol

  to keep my mother warm

  in a house

  as cold as

  t h i s.

  - but you kept trying, didn’t you?

  there were

  once

  six five

  girls

  who

  shared

  every part

  of themselves:

  blood

  &

  secrets

  &

  lovers

  &

  even

  a diary.

  but

  a girl

  can only

  bleed

  so much

  before sh
e

  meets

  her demise.

  - i’ll see you in california.

  how can

  someone

  be

  too young

  to be

  in love

  when we were

  crafted

  from

  ocean waves

  & starlight?

  - young love.

  my first kiss:

  tackled,

  pinned down,

  a mouth

  repeating

  no no no.

  after:

  bruises

  &

  the unmistakable

  taste of

  blood.

  - i will never forgive you.

  you have

  been the

  star

  of each

  & every

  one of

  my

  nightmares.

  - you left but you stayed.

  i’m sorry

  i wasn’t

  the daughter

  you had

  in mind.

  - i only ever wanted to make you proud.

  I.

  blood

  blooming

  underneath

  the stinging

  bite

  of steel.

  II.

  the

  once too-tight

  jeans

  hanging

  off

  my body.

  - two unexpected reliefs of a girl.

  it is strange

  how

  s

  i

  s

  t

  e

  r

  s

  can

  be

  s

  a

  v

  i

  o

  r

  s

  or

  s

  t

  r

  a

  n

  g

  e

  r

  s

  &

  sometimes

  a bit of both.

  - sisters.

  - silence has always been my loudest scream.

  birds

  can’t

  f l y a w a y

  when you

  clip

  one of

  their wings.

  you

  weren’t

  satisfied

  with just

  clipping

  one of

  my wings.

  you tore

  both wings

  out from

  the root

  to make sure

  i could

  n e v e r f l y

  anywhere

  ever

  again.

  - mother & daughter.

  since

  i couldn’t

  have

  my wings,

  i wore

  the

  fake ones

  dipped

  in

  gold

  glitter.

  - a wannabe faerie in converse.

  there came

  a time

  when

  poetry

  showed me

  how to

  bleed

  without

  the demand

  of blood.

  - my most loyal lover.

  i used to think

  i was broken

  because

  i never once

  spent my

  daydreams

  plucking

  swollen pomegranates

  from

  someone else’s tree.

  - then i learned that society is broken, not me.

  watching

  the house

  that was

  my sanctuary

  & my hell

  go up in

  flames

  was

  bittersweet

  but mostly

  just

  sweet.

  - a confession.

  if a house

  does not

  automatically

  make a home,

  then a body

  doesn’t

  automatically

  make a home

  either.

  - i’ve always felt like a stranger in my skin.

  you may

  not have left

  (many) bruises

  on my skin,

  but you left giant

  blackberry bruises

  all over

  my soul.

  - i still wonder who i would have been.

  the princess

  locked herself away

  in the highest tower,

  hoping a knight

  in shining armor

  would come to her

  rescue.

  - i didn’t realize i could be my own knight.

  II. the damsel

  the damsel

  let the dragons

  swoop down

  & steal her away

  from the ugliness

  of her world.

  unbeknownst to her,

  she was only trading

  one tower

  for another.

  - the wickedest liars of all.

  i’m not scared

  of the monsters

  hidden underneath

  my bed.

  i’m much more scared

  of the boys

  with messy brown hair,

  sleepy eyes,

  & mouths

  that only know

  how to form

  half-truths.

  - my dragons.

  remember when

  you told me

  you wrote that

  beautiful song

  for me

  & only me—

  your

  “only one”?

  well,

  i’m willing

  to bet

  you don’t

  remember

  that you had already

  showed it to me,

  saying it was

  for her.

  - you were in love with the idea of love, not me.

  promises

  whispered

  in the rain

  will be washed

  a

  w

  a

  y.

  - right down the fucking drain.

  i was the one thing

  he had to deny—

  the beautiful truth

  within his

  terrible lie.

  - who knew such a young heart could shatter?

  when

  my dragon

  with the

  green eyes

  left,

  i

  took

  a knife

  & cut off

  all my long,

  pretty hair,

  taking away

  the only thing

  he

  ever

  loved

  about

  me.

  - over before it began.

  “i

  could

  just

  eat

  you

  up.”

  - from the insatiable mouth of the big, bad wolf.

  he loves me.

  he loves me not.

  he loves her.

  he loves her not.

  he loves me.

  he loves me not.

  he loves her.

  he loves her not.

  he loves me.

  he loves me not.

  he loves her.

  he loves her not.

  he loves me.

  he loves me not.

  he loves her.

  he loves her not.

  he loves me.

  he loves me not.

  - i ran out of petals.

  blood
>
  runs

  wherever

  his

  fingertips

  graze

  me.

  - my steel & thorns.

  for a time,

  it seemed to me

  that we were

  starlight-touched,

  failing to

  realize that

  we were actually

  star-crossed.

  - the stars were never on our side.

  he was made of fire

  & i was made of ice.

  i came too close to

  his flame

  & he melted me

  with his embers,

  reducing me down

  to a puddle.

  with time,

  i froze over again,

  but i was never

  quite the same—

  a fragile, watery imitation

  of what once was.

  - where was my fear of fire when it came to you?

  “i hate you.”

  - his version of “i love you.”