the mermaid's voice returns in this one Read online

With creatures of the night begging to play,

  her mind that was once

  an enchanted garden

  was becoming a tainted dystopia.

  It was only when the

  voices rang louder that she began to hear

  the soft symphonies of hope

  whisper among the madness.

  and so she found comfort

  in the melodies that the universe

  began singing to her.

  Slamming her glass jar to the ground

  (what was once a forbidden secret)

  stillness began surrounding her being,

  and opening the rim of her mouth,

  she began to sing along.

  - a promising ballad.

  by orion carloto

  you worry

  so much

  about

  the comfort

  of others

  that you

  cannot

  remember

  a time

  when

  you did

  something

  just

  for

  yourself.

  - you are worth spoiling.

  When I was a child,

  I thought astronauts

  and astronomers and anyone who explored the universe

  were space mermaids,

  diving into

  the unknown ocean of the universe,

  our planet the comfortable shore.

  This is why lately,

  I have stopped asking

  the cosmos

  for the cure.

  To bleed the sad planets out from inside my skin

  and replace them with the ashes of happier stars.

  It took me nearly three decades to learn how to embrace

  the constellations of my own

  tragedies and dive,

  courageous, into

  the galaxy of who I am,

  emerging as the better, stronger version

  I deserve myself to be.

  When I was a child,

  I used to believe anyone

  who explored the stars

  was a mermaid.

  Now that I am grown,

  I know that they are.

  - because i am one of them.

  by nikita gill

  you did all you could do.

  now you must learn

  what it means

  for you to

  live.

  - tweet from august 8th, 2017.

  take my words,

  but

  expand upon them.

  argue with them.

  change them.

  twist them.

  - make them yours.

  i’ve

  never been

  a mirror

  nor a lake

  for you to

  peer

  into &

  see yourself

  or your past

  & future paths

  reflected

  back to you.

  my

  story

  has never

  been

  your story.

  your

  story

  has never

  been my

  story.

  their

  story

  has never

  been anyone

  else’s story.

  the

  wonderment

  of all this

  can be found

  in the

  bits & pieces

  we’re

  able to

  gather

  from

  each other

  to form

  the entire

  window.

  - stained glass.

  they will say:

  you’re not talented enough.

  you don’t have an original cell in your body.

  you don’t measure up to the ones who came before you.

  your feelings are shallow.

  you’re whiny.

  you’re a hack.

  you’re a whiny hack.

  none of that could have possibly happened to you.

  . . . but if it did, then you embellished it.

  & it’s probably your fault anyhow.

  - & you will keep writing anyway.

  soon

  they will

  have chopped

  down all the trees

  & with them

  all the

  b

  e

  a

  u

  t

  i

  f

  u

  l

  w o r d s , s o

  - write the story II.

  nobody

  has

  the right

  to lure

  your voice

  out of

  you—

  not

  even if

  they’re

  a sea witch

  looking

  to make

  a bargain.

  - rip this page out & keep it with you.

  no

  matter

  how you choose

  to tell your

  truths

  —a whisper

  melody

  s c r e a m—

  you

  are still

  toppling

  mountain

  ranges.

  - you possess avalanches.

  “be

  victorious

  in

  everything

  you do.

  disturb

  the gods,

  if that’s what

  it takes.

  & maybe

  especially then.”

  - mother knows best IV.

  the rest of this story

  belongs to

  you.

  dearest reader,

  this is the final poetry collection in my “women are some kind of magic” series. it all started with a princess who collapsed into a pile of ashes & somehow learned to make a queendom from them. that princess-turned-queen was, of course, me. in that first collection, i attempted to summarize the entirety of my life in a little over two hundred pages. everyone i loved. everyone i lost. every struggle. every unsteady step to survival. it seems like an impossible feat & that’s because it was. there is & has always been so much more to my story.

  it continued, then, with a group of fire witches. the princess had survived & she wanted revenge for everything she’d been put through, especially the sexual violence she had endured & had to watch all around her. messy was the witch. angry was the witch. politically charged was the witch. i allowed her to be all of those things. i allowed myself to feel without restriction, without worrying how unladylike everyone would find me. but that witch—that witch-queen—still wasn’t ready to share the story she had been keeping behind lock & key for so long.

  in a way, that witch & her coven bridged the gap between the princess & the mermaid who had long ago decided to fly far, far away from her problems so she didn’t have to deal with them on the page . . . or at all.

  finally, that mermaid who had been a witch who had been a queen was ready to tell her story. this tale has been a mix of fantasy & truth for that very reason. i knew the only way i could let the mermaid speak was if she could do it discreetly & safely. i owe that bravery to the #metoo movement, first started by tarana burke. i may ne
ver be ready to say the name of the ones who hurt me, but being able to tell the story still lifted the weight from my shoulders. boulders have since been replaced by sea foam.

  if there’s one thing i hope you take away from this collection, it’s that there are so many ways for a victim/survivor to come forward & speak about their experiences with sexual violence. the method i chose doesn’t have to be your method, just as your method doesn’t have to be my method. it’s about what’s right for the victim/survivor as an individual. this book, here, was simply the path that was best for me. in the end, all paths are valid &, with any luck, lead to happiness & healing.

  may the chorus of mermaids follow you wherever you go. may they offer reassurance whenever you’re in need. remember you are one of us. forever. from the glittering sea to the starry skies.

  laced with love,

  amanda

  coming:

  the story you

  needed to write

  on a bookshelf

  waiting to save

  someone

  else.

  contributors

  in order of appearance

  lang leav

  author of the foreword

  twitter: @langleav

  instagram: @langleav

  website: langleav.com

  caitlyn siehl

  author of “blade”

  twitter: @caitlynsiehl

  instagram: @caitlynsiehl

  facebook: @caitlynsiehl1

  clementine von radics

  author of “notes on the term survivor”

  twitter: @clementinevr

  instagram: @clementinevonradics

  website: www.clementinevonradicspoet.com

  trista mateer

  author of “untitled”

  twitter: @tristamateer

  instagram: @tristamateer

  website: tristamateerpoetry.com

  gretchen gomez

  author of “wading”

  twitter: @chicnerdreads

  instagram: @chicnerdreads

  wordpress: chicnerdreads.wordpress.com

  noor shirazie

  author of “earth / water”

  twitter: @shirazien

  instagram: @shirazien

  facebook: @n00rshirazie

  tumblr: @noorshirazie

  jenna clare

  author of “trust me”

  twitter: @jennaclarek

  instagram: @jennaclarek

  website: jennaclarek.com

  ky robinson

  author of “the grit of healing”

  twitter: @iamkyrobinson

  instagram: @iamkyrobinson

  website: kyrobinson.net

  yena sharma purmasir

  author of “in place of mercy”

  twitter: @yenapurmasir

  instagram: @yenasharmapurmasir

  tumblr: @fly-underground

  morgan nikola-wren

  author of “one breath at a time”

  twitter: @wrenandink

  instagram: @morgannikolawren

  website: morgannikolawren.com

  mckayla robbin

  author of “untitled II”

  twitter: @bymckayla

  instagram: @bymckayla

  website: mckaylarobbin.com

  sophia elaine hanson

  author of “i am yours”

  twitter: @authorsehanson

  instagram: @sophiaelainehanson

  tumblr: @sophiaelainehanson

  website: sophiaelainehanson.com

  orion carloto

  author of “a promising ballad”

  twitter: @orionnichole

  instagram: @orionvanessa

  youtube: @orionvanessa

  website: orioncarloto.com

  nikita gill

  author of “because i am one of them”

  twitter: @nktgill

  instagram: @nikita_gill

  special acknowledgments

  I. cyrus parker – you seriously deserve some kind of prize for listening to me rant & rave about this book all these past months, my poet-spouse. most of all, i just want to thank you for letting me spill water & for always being there to help me dry it up. ~O)

  II. christine day – this was, without question, the most difficult collection i’ve had to write to date. it went through more drastic changes than all of them combined & kept me up all night for weeks at a time. on the bright side, it was never as difficult as it could have been, all because you were always there for me to turn to.

  III. my contributors – when i first set out to include poems from other poets i deeply admired, i had no idea how it would go. honestly, this whole thing could have been a disaster. instead, we sang to each other through the uncertain dark, our feet searching for common ground, & it became an accidental masterpiece. thank you for lending me the gorgeous words.

  IV. my family – to my dad, my stepmom, & my sisters. thank you for coming to every book launch. for reading every word. for desperately asking to read an early copy of each book, even before they’re halfway finished. (i’m looking at you, courtney!)

  V. my beta readers – trista mateer, caitlyn siehl, danika stone, mira kennedy, olivia paez, & alex andrina. from the bottom of my heart: thank you for always pushing me to be the best i can be. thank you for transforming my words. this has been, in no exaggeration, the greatest group effort of a lifetime.

  VI. the people who always make me smile & give me their never-ending support – gretchen gomez, nikita gill, sophia elaine hanson, iain s. thomas, ky robinson, courtney peppernell, lang leav, shauna sinyard, summer webb, courtney summers, & nicole brinkley. & you, whoever i’m inevitably forgetting.

  VII. my publishing team at andrews mcmeel – to patty rice, kirsty melville, & holly stayton. there are no words to describe how grateful i am for you & the work that brings my words to life.

  VIII. my readers – here’s to our fourth book. <3

  a small space for you to begin your story:

  growing up a word-devourer & avid fairy tale lover, it was only natural that amanda lovelace began writing books of her own, & so she did. when she isn’t reading or writing, she can be found waiting for pumpkin spice coffee to come back into season & binge-watching gilmore girls. (before you ask: team jess all the way.) the lifelong poetess & storyteller currently lives in new jersey with her spouse, their bunnycat, & a combined book collection so large it will soon need its own home. she has her B.A. in english literature with a minor in sociology. her first collection, the princess saves herself in this one, won the goodreads choice award for best poetry of 2016 and is a USA TODAY & Publishers Weekly bestseller.

  @ladybookmad

  @ladybookmad

  @amandalovelace

  amandalovelace.com

  the mermaid’s voice returns in this one

  copyright © 2019 by Amanda Lovelace. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.

  Andrews McMeel Publishing

  a division of Andrews McMeel Universal

  1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106

  www.andrewsmcmeel.com

  ISBN: 978-1-5248-5231-3

  Library of Congress Control Number: 2018957490

  Editor: Patty Rice

  Designer: Amanda Lovelace

  Art Director: Julie Barnes

  Production Editor: David Shaw

  Production Manager: Cliff Koehler

  Digital Production: Kristen Minter

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